Monday, 2 April 2012

This is the start of a journey....

So you start blogging and it seems like a good idea and then it's just another thing to feel guilty that you haven't done.  I haven't done a blog for a little while and various ideas have gone round in my head from the very big to the (probably) tediously tiny.  Plus the problem for me is that I think if I do a lawyer related post will that just be boring for non-lawyer readers and if I do a more personal/mummy/domestic post do any lawyer readers just think "oh for goodness sake".  Then I remembered it's my damn blog (note this is probably an analogy on my life).

Anyway the blog.  So many people have a fat story, right?  Very few people are the shape they want to be and it causes them anything from annoyance/wardrobe changes to tears and serious angst.  I think I'd probably put myself in the latter category.  I have had issues with my weight for as long as I can remember.  Although if I look back to my 14 year old self measuring body parts and stressing over not quite being a size 12, I wonder what she'd think of the plus sized me.

My weight has fluctuated a bit but I have had 3 periods of massive weight gain.  The first being university where I found out that apparently drinking shedloads of alcopops and flavoured vodka followed by eating pizza at 3 not conducive to being skinny.  Who knew?  I did lose about a stone in my last year at university and felt a lot better (you think I'd have learnt something from that but no).

Secondly, I hit a fairly major wall in life in 2003 when I had a sort of nervous breakdown and ended up off work for a bit and on anti-depressants.  During this time I drank a lot of wine most evenings and then spent most days eating junk food to try to keep the hangover at bay.  I saw a counsellor as part of my recovery and she was very helpful in dealing with the issues that led to how I felt.  But I stopped seeing her because I thought I felt better and because it was expensive and I was skint (I could've got counselling on NHS but that was during the day and not really something that fitted round work.  Yes I hear what you're all saying but when it's your first job after leaving uni and you applied for 100 and only got one and then had to have some weeks off because you'd gone a bit mental you aren't going to ask for the afternoon off every week so you can see a counsellor).  This was a shame because I think if I'd have done more therapy at the time then I might possibly have saved myself more weight gain and more pain but there we are.

The third period of weight gain was after having lost about a stone in my 20s I then went on to have children.  I gained over 3 stone in my first pregnancy.  I lost a bit of it but I was a stone heavier when I found out I was pregnant with my second child to when I found out I was pregnant with the first.  I'm now 2 stone heavier than that. 

I know a lot of people think "for goodness sake, stop whining.  If you're fat, eat less and exercise more".  Well yes alright but just because you know the theory doesn't mean you could fly a plane.  I absolutely hate the way I look most of the time.  For a long, long time I also thought that I was a lesser person and that I had less to give the world because of the fact that I couldn't stick to a target weight.  There are times when I look at myself in the mirror (unavoidable in our bathroom unless you shut your eyes and then you stub your toe on the sink) and I want to hack off flesh with a knife.  Obviously that's a very cheap form of liposuction, and quite messy.

I have known for some time that I really do need to do something about this.  If not for my own happiness but for the sake of my children as the idea of me leaving their lives prematurely is not one that I can handle and that spurs me on more than anything. 

But I have never really known how.  I know I want to lose weight.  I know the theory of eat less and actually move that lardy arse but yet when I have a bad day I will still have a glass of wine and all the chocolate I can find.  Why would I do that when I want to lose weight?  I am slowly realising the answer lies in comfort and food being there for me when I feel others are not.  Food is always there.  Even if it's not in the house it's pretty easily obtained given I live near Waitrose and not 500 miles from civilisation.

This journey was in part started by @MummyBarrow and her starting to blog about her journey.  She also made me aware of @ThinkingSlimmer and I have been using the slimpod to re-educate my subconscious.  I'm now aware of when I am full and I am really aware of my subconscious telling me when I've had enough.  That said I'm still not always acting on these messages.  This leads to some kind of weird internal debate (did anyone used to watch Herman's Head back in the 90s?).

I am not going to post a weekly update on how I'm doing because I don't actually like talking about it.  I have a thing up in the kitchen about my goals and people who have been to our house ask me about it and I really hate talking about it.  I feel so uncomfortable.  Does this mean I am likely to fail?  I honestly don't know.  I'm blogging about it so I'm not completely keeping it to myself but blogging means what I say is on my terms. 

Anyway as it says in the title this is the start of a journey and I may well catalogue more of it on this blog but it will be the feelings and discoveries and not the numbers.